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You are here: Home / Archives for Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Expectations

01/06/2017 by John Leave a Comment

Expectation: 

noun ex·pec·ta·tion ˌek-ˌspek-ˈtā-shən, ik-\

Simple Definition of expectation

: a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen

: a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be

With the passing of another year, I find myself thinking about expectations. My culture and upbringing created expectations about the path my life would follow. The journey was supposed to look something like this:

  1. Go to college
  2. Start a career
  3. Get married
  4. Have a few childern
  5. Etc., etc., etc.

In the years after I graduated from college, my expectations about how my life would play out did not come to pass. I bounced around between graduate programs because I knew how to succeed at school, but did not know what I was actually good at doing. In my mid-twenties, I was disillusioned that my expectations about how life was supposed to go were not being met, even though unbeknownst to me, those expectations was not what I wanted anyway.

The Outward Bound course I took at the age of 26 forever changed my expectations. I learned to expect more out of life than working long days under fluorescent lighting. I learned to expect a life full of exploration, growth, and learning. Most importantly, I learned to expect more out of myself than settling for the expectations that my culture and upbringing had placed upon me.

Expectations can be both guide posts and trap doors, depending on how I approach them. Having expectations of myself keeps me accountable to the goals and values I am seeking to accomplish and nourish. Having expectations of how I would like others to behave or a given situation to play out is a recipe for frustration and disappointment.

I think it’s good to have expectations, but to carry them lightly. Clinging too tightly to expectations can easily lead to disappointment and frustration, and prevent me from seeing the other opportunities that are present in any given moment. When things don’t go as planned or hoped for, it is important to put down my expectations and accept the situation as it is, not holding on to what I wish it would be.

As the New Year begins to unfold, ask yourself what expectations you are bringing into it. How will you react if those expectations are not met? What will you do if there are?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Post Election Depression: The Old House

11/23/2016 by John Leave a Comment

Picture of old house with flowers growing in frontIt’s been over two weeks since the 2016 Presidential election and I’m still waking up many nights with feelings of anxiety and fear. And I’m a privileged white guy. I can’t imagine what it must be like for those who fear the results of the race could radically and imminently change their life. Regardless, the situation definitely knocked me down into a state of mild depression from which I’m just starting to climb out of. Sometime recently, I stumbled across this journal entry from 2014 and it reminded me of how I’ve been feeling lately.

Riding the waves of emotion and mood, from feeling flat and half-dead inside to being ruffled and roughed up at the slightest of provocations, to not often enough experiencing feelings of joy and wonder. It gets tiring to try to stay afloat in this ever changing sea, with my arms flapping about in its waters looking for stability.

I fear I’ve slid into a depression. I’m in a place inside me that feels all too familiar, an old house with furnishings dusty and broken down, with only dim cloud filtered light coming in through broken windows. The floors creak and groan as I walk about this place looking at the faded pictures hanging crooked on walls with peeling paint, images of all my fears coming true and of all my past failings and hurts. I don’t want to stay in this place. I want to get out, but I can’t find the front door.

I know that a better place exists within me; a place full of beauty and light, not contained within four walls, open to time and space. I have lived there too, run free over it’s hills and valleys, bathed in it’s warm seas, been astonished and brought to tears of wonder at its star filled skies. This is the place of possibility, where anything can happen, where I know that I belong, where everyone belongs, each a piece of the syncopated orchestra of life.

I know I will return to the place of beauty and light, leave this old house and its dark shadows behind, just as I know that I can never leave it behind forever. This house is a part of me, just as the sunlit world is. I must learn to accept it as one of the places I call home, to be open to it, to learn all of it’s secrets, explore its dark corners, and then perhaps, the way outside again will reveal itself.

Originally written on 11.17.14

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Aging

10/10/2016 by John Leave a Comment

surrender

I am of the nature to grow old, I cannot avoid aging.

Buddha

I feel it more each day, the creaks and groans that emanate from various regions of my body. Injuries and insults I have hurled at myself linger long past the time when inflicted. The morning brings stiffness that demands conscious effort to loosen.

The realization that aging is an intrinsic part of life provokes feelings of sadness; this knowledge gives me the ability to take action, providing the foresight to know that I need to keep living and enjoying the privilege of a mobile and healthy body. I can appreciate the phases my body will go through during this journey with the understanding that each step is just as beautiful as the changing light of the sun as it makes its arc across the sky from dawn and into twilight.

Because the decay of this body is inevitable does not mean I should sit back and wring my hands in anguish. Though the aging process will continue unabated, I can be a part of deciding how it will progress. If I treat my body with kindness and care, it will respond. If I have high expectations of what it can do, it will rise to meet them, despite its protestations. As I surrender to aging I will do it not as a defeated warrior with my head bowed in shame, but as a lover engaged in a heartfelt embrace with bittersweet tears streaming down my face.

First draft originally written 3.30.14

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: mindfulness

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