Alcohol

Introvert Know Thyself

11/21/2019 by John Leave a Comment

I was at a gathering last week and I had a beer for the first time since September. It tasted okay. When I first opened it, I took frequent sips, so I made an a conscious effort to slow down. After a long while of eating and talking, the beer was finished. The thought of getting a second one came and went throughout the rest of my time there. Each time, it did not take much effort to resist the urge. I wasn’t particularly enjoying the event and I knew that a second beer would not improve it and would only make getting a good night of sleep more challenging.

I feel a little bit of regret at letting go of my streak of alcohol-free days. Was it worth it? Not really, but on the other hand, I don’t feel like any harm was done either. As always, when a streak is over it will make the next time an opportunity arises to drink easier to say yes to.

But it is also a great opportunity to begin a new streak. Besides, it’s not about keeping score anyway. It’s about having a healthy relationship with alcohol. Which in my case I think is meandering ever more quickly into just saying no all the time. I’m just not seeing any added value to having alcohol in my life.

The other thing that became clear to me again was that I often don’t enjoy social gatherings. This tendency might be on the rise as I get older. For one thing, my aging ears just can’t separate the cacophony of voices enough to follow along with what’s going on.

But, I do love people. I love good conversation. I love sharing laughter, stories, and wisdom. I will walk beside you for miles to talk, but I’d rather not be in a room full of people all vying to be heard.

But more than remembering something I’ve known about myself for a long time now, I realized that it is okay for me to feel this way. I don’t have to like hanging out with a crowd. Which in my case, means more than a handful of people.

I like nothing better than the quiet parts of my day. I relish early morning hours of meditation and writing and sitting in bed at night with the lights down low reading a good book. It’s not what everyone likes, but it’s what I like and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Where I get myself into trouble is that I do need human interaction and I don’t do enough to meet this need in a way that works for me. Instead of reaching out to go for a walk or sit down and have a cup of coffee with people I enjoy, I default to showing up at social gathering where they will be. At these events, I never get to really connect with them unless we migrate into the margins of the party.

I know what I need to do. First, be okay with not being okay with social gatherings. Next, make the effort to connect with others in ways that feel right to me.

So give me a call and let’s meet at the coffee shop or go for a hike, but please don’t feel slighted if I choose not to show up at the party.

Reflections On Sober October

11/08/2019 by John 1 Comment

Sober October is over, but my alcohol-free streak has continued into November. Work has been busy and my duties supervising teenagers have prevented me from having many opportunities to partake. But even when I have had them, my desire to have a drink remains low. Like many bad habits, the longer I stay away from this one, the less power it has over my behavior.

Have I been tempted to drink during this period of abstinence? Sure, but usually in unexpected places. While shopping at Trader Joe’s, I found myself drawn to the alcohol section like a moth to a flame only to get there and remember my commitment to sobriety for the month.

I don’t think that I’ve had my last drink, but when I do decide to have one, I want to do so with intentionality. Alcohol is an unreliable friend. One moment it can embolden me to be the center of attention and the next it can betray me and make me feel like I just want to fade out of the room completely. When I am on the boisterous side of it, I can become the life of the party. But I’m also just as likely to say something I might later regret.

I hope I can maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol. I hope that it becomes something I do with intention and on infrequent occasions. I hope that when I do drink, I remember that the third beer is always a mistake. The problem is, beer number two is persuasive to the contrary.

Based partially on a journal entry from 12.15.16

Straight Edge

10/21/2019 by John Leave a Comment

I’m a person just like you
But I’ve got better things to do
Than sit around and smoke dope
‘Cause I know I can cope
Laugh at the thought of eating ‘ludes
Laugh at the thought of sniffing glue
Always gonna keep in touch
Never want to use a crutch

I’ve got a straight edge

~ Minor Threat

My parents were probably in anguish over the screaming vocals and rapid-fire guitar chords blasting out of my stereo speakers when I was in high school. They probably thought the music was encouraging all sorts of deviant behavior or perhaps giving praise to the devil. If they only knew the message that was really being delivered, they might have told me to turn up the volume.

I was into straight edge punk rock at the time. I fully bought into the ethos that movement advocated: to keep your mind and body free of substances and activities that would interfere with your ability to think critically and take action when needed to right injustice. The message of bands like Minor Threat and 7Seconds dovetailed nicely with my Southern Baptist upbringing and this further reinforced my feeling that I was doing the right thing.

As I took on the fashions of my skateboarding peer group, including floppy lopsided haircuts and clothing bought at the army surplus store and Goodwill, I’m sure my church community thought I was straying from the flock. Little did they know that I was stronger in my convictions against using drugs and alcohol than many of my peers who dressed the part of the perfect Baptist teen on Sunday morning after spending their Saturday night out drinking and exploring their sexuality.

I was proud of being straight edge. I felt like I was being true to who I was. Those of us in the straight edge community were perfectly accepted by other punks and skaters who chose to use alcohol and drugs. There was no sense of being ostracized for the decision we made to refrain.

When I was going into my senior year, I made a decision that altered the course of how I conducted my life. I decided I wanted to drink beer. Why? For the same reason that teenage boys decide to do most of the things they choose to do: I wanted to impress some girls. It seems that fashion trends had shifted over the summer and all of a sudden, I was being noticed by girls at the higher rungs of the high school social ladder. The vast majority of them were into partying and alcohol.

Once I started drinking, I never looked back. I left for college and my Minor Threat tapes and skateboard started gathering dust. I got into the rhythm of drinking on weekends and believing that alcohol was the secret to having a good time. I am an introvert and I liked that alcohol seemed to give me the ability to be comfortable meeting and socializing with new people. Drinking became a part of my personality. Out drinking was where I met many of the people I today call friend.

I don’t regret the decision I made to have that first sip of beer. If I never had my life would not have taken me on the journey it has and left me here in a place where overall I am happy and content. But lately, I’ve been asking myself whether consuming alcohol is adding any value to my life. Increasingly, the answer I come up with is no.

So for this month, I’ve got a straight edge again. I am enjoying the break from alcohol while also feeling some pangs of longing when others around me are partaking. Alcohol has become such a social norm in our society that when I am not drinking, I can feel like an outsider. Maybe it’s time to dust off the Minor Threat tapes, turn up the volume and remember that I am not alone. There is a whole movement of people out there who have decided that their life is fuller and more meaningful without alcohol. It is nice to be one of them again.