focus

At Least The Dishes Are Clean

01/26/2018 by John 3 Comments

At Least The Dishes Are Clean

As I dropped her off this morning I noticed a feeling I often have during these moments while driving away from the bright glare of the hospital entranceway and back into predawn gloom. It is a feeling of panic, of being lost in the woods, and it brings to mind a question:

What do I do now?

Well, of course, I have a bazillion things I could do now. If ever in any doubt I need only check my bulging “To Do” list, filled with all sorts of unsavory tasks that I or someone else has decided that I should do. Many of them are so unpalatable that I shrink away from the thought of looking at the list. But there is so much time in front of me as I drive away from the hospital. I feel pressure to do something important so that when I return at the end of her long shift I can tell her all that I have accomplished, of the progress that I have made while she is working so hard to support our lives together.

So when I get home, I check the list. And there are so many things there that I truly do not want to do. But buried like treasure are things that I do want to do. Things that involve creating something of value for myself and others. Tasks that will further my goals and move me in a direction that I want to take my life. Tasks that need focus and dedication. Tasks that frighten me. Yes, these are the tasks I decide that I will do today.

But then I keep looking at that list, and I don’t begin to do any of the items I just told myself I wanted to do. I flip open a web browser and furtively look around. I decide I need to check my email to see if anything else needs to be added to the list, then switch back to the list to see if magically some of those things I don’t want to do might have just vanished. Discouraged that they have not, I turn back to my browser, hoping it has brought me something interesting, something to make me forget about all those things I have said that I am committed to doing. Perhaps it will bring me some new way to better organize the myriad details of my life, a way that is sure to straighten me out and get me doing the things I told myself I should be doing.

I need a break from the screen so I get up and I find things to do. I put things away. There are always things to be put away, an endless stream of things that have wandered far from their place of belonging. Someone must herd them. I am a herder. I tend to my flock.

Then there are the dirty dishes. Somehow they have learned to fornicate, and they love it, multiplying their numbers. Exponential growth is occurring. They must be cleansed, their sinful activities put to a stop. I baptize them with soap and water. Soon again, they return to their evil ways and must be cleansed again.

So tired now from the cleansing and herding, I decide I need some time to take care of me. I could go for a run, or maybe just a few minutes online….

Hours later, I emerge from an online stupor. It’s five-thirty, time to start thinking about making food for us. Off to the kitchen, where the dishes are fornicating once again. Damn them.

Seven forty-five and it’s back to the hospital to pick up her. The winter darkness enveloped the world two hours ago and the hospital entrance glares too brightly once again. As I pull up to the sliding glass doors I remember all those things that I wanted to do today, the things that would have made a difference and all I can feel is regret at what could have been. But hey, at least the dishes are clean.

Based on a journal entry from 1.9.14

Three Things to Start Each Day

10/28/2017 by John Leave a Comment

A breath. Not just any breath, the kind we take a thousand times each day, without noticing we are even doing it, without experiencing it. Take a breath and feel each part, the beginning identified, its middle passed through, and conclusion noted. To experience a breath like this is to know that you are alive.
Gratitude. Think about one thing you are grateful for: the soft bed you are resting in, the food on your table, the love you feel from friends and family, the ability to notice that one breath you just took. Gratitude leads to giving, and giving leads to happiness.
Intention. Ask yourself, how do you want to live today? What light will guide you through this journey? What do you hope to accomplish with the time you are allotted? Intention leads to purpose. Intention sets the course.

Adopted from the ideas of sports psychologist Dr. Michael Gervais, first heard on The Rich Roll Podcast and a journal entry from 1.3.15

The Path of Commitment

07/01/2017 by John Leave a Comment

I am commitment phobic. I fear making commitments and then not living up to them, thereby disappointing myself or others. I fear committing to the “wrong” thing. I worry that commitments place boundaries on my life, something I am resistant to. But, a commitment can also be thought of as choosing a path, a metaphor that resonates with me.

A path can provide focus and a sense of direction. But while following a path, there is the freedom to change direction if I find a fork that looks interesting. I am also free to leave the path all together and head out cross country if I see something in the distance of interest. A path is there to provide guidance, not constraints.

Likewise, commitments help to guide me in the direction I take my life. They limit the amount of choices I have to make in my day, usually for the better. For example, when I am training for an ultramarathon, there is no question when I wake up in the morning about whether or not I will go for a run or how long that run will be. When I am fully committed to something, I find it much harder to talk myself out of doing it.

The benefits of commitment are evident in many areas of my life. I have been committed to the same person for close to 20 years now and it has brought about a relationship of depth and intimacy that is only possible through so much shared time and experience together. Commitment has allowed me to run 100 miles. Commitment to a plant-based diet has provided me with more vitality and mental clarity. Commitment to a meditation practice is changing my treatment of others and my perception of myself and the world.

The benefits of being committed to something worthy are hard won. They take time to manifest. They require sacrifice and there are plenty of times of discouragement and doubt along the way, but a well chosen path is worth taking. Though we may not know where it leads, each step of the way can teach us something valuable.

Based on a journal entry from 6.23.14