Relationships

Countdown New Zealand Day 29

05/08/2020 by John 5 Comments

This is a series of posts that will log some of my thoughts in the month leading up to my moving back to New Zealand.

Recently, we attended an appropriately socially distant party with the people residing on the campus of The Outdoor Academy. We laughed and danced as if the world was normal again. It was the most enjoyable time I have yet had with my fellow faculty members and their families. They are a remarkable group of people. I will miss them and this place.

I think about what it would be like to remain here. My job is pretty gratifying on most days. It is an amazing community of people, but one that is ever-changing. Some of my favorite members of the community will soon be moving on. Like all things, we can’t hold on too tightly. But still, sometimes I wish I could pick this whole place up, fold it neatly to avoid wrinkling it and pack it in my bag to take with me to New Zealand. If it wasn’t for New Zealand, I think I could stay here for a long time.

But New Zealand is calling us back. We called her first, but she answered. We have stepped back into a current that will wash this version of our life away and deposit the remains somewhere downstream. Or in this case, across an ocean. Fortress New Zealand. Which seems like as good a place as any to wait out what sometimes feels like the end of the world.

Saying goodbye. It felt like that party was the beginning of it. The knowledge that we are one step closer to leaving brings everything into sharper relief making the colors and contours of life more visible.

What will our life there bring? It’s usual joys and sorrows, but what shape will they take? Will we decide to settle down and live out our days there? Will we look around us five years from now and find a community around us?

It’s going to be hard. Sometimes in the excitement of thinking about jaw-dropping vista’s and quirky cafés, it’s easy to forget that it is difficult being so far away from the people you love. But if we persevere, maybe we can reach the day when we can spend some significant amount of time in the States every year to be near our friends and family. Maybe we can live the dream.

Knowing that we will be separated from our people wraps me in sadness. The waves are coming. They are always present but these big life events amplify them. Happy. Sad. Glad. Mad. Up to the crest and down into the trough.

In New Zealand, winter is coming. We’re running right towards it even as our bodies and minds are just now getting accustomed to spring. Will our bio-rhythms ever catch up with our movement?

Introvert Know Thyself

11/21/2019 by John Leave a Comment

I was at a gathering last week and I had a beer for the first time since September. It tasted okay. When I first opened it, I took frequent sips, so I made an a conscious effort to slow down. After a long while of eating and talking, the beer was finished. The thought of getting a second one came and went throughout the rest of my time there. Each time, it did not take much effort to resist the urge. I wasn’t particularly enjoying the event and I knew that a second beer would not improve it and would only make getting a good night of sleep more challenging.

I feel a little bit of regret at letting go of my streak of alcohol-free days. Was it worth it? Not really, but on the other hand, I don’t feel like any harm was done either. As always, when a streak is over it will make the next time an opportunity arises to drink easier to say yes to.

But it is also a great opportunity to begin a new streak. Besides, it’s not about keeping score anyway. It’s about having a healthy relationship with alcohol. Which in my case I think is meandering ever more quickly into just saying no all the time. I’m just not seeing any added value to having alcohol in my life.

The other thing that became clear to me again was that I often don’t enjoy social gatherings. This tendency might be on the rise as I get older. For one thing, my aging ears just can’t separate the cacophony of voices enough to follow along with what’s going on.

But, I do love people. I love good conversation. I love sharing laughter, stories, and wisdom. I will walk beside you for miles to talk, but I’d rather not be in a room full of people all vying to be heard.

But more than remembering something I’ve known about myself for a long time now, I realized that it is okay for me to feel this way. I don’t have to like hanging out with a crowd. Which in my case, means more than a handful of people.

I like nothing better than the quiet parts of my day. I relish early morning hours of meditation and writing and sitting in bed at night with the lights down low reading a good book. It’s not what everyone likes, but it’s what I like and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Where I get myself into trouble is that I do need human interaction and I don’t do enough to meet this need in a way that works for me. Instead of reaching out to go for a walk or sit down and have a cup of coffee with people I enjoy, I default to showing up at social gathering where they will be. At these events, I never get to really connect with them unless we migrate into the margins of the party.

I know what I need to do. First, be okay with not being okay with social gatherings. Next, make the effort to connect with others in ways that feel right to me.

So give me a call and let’s meet at the coffee shop or go for a hike, but please don’t feel slighted if I choose not to show up at the party.

What Do You Do?

02/02/2019 by John 7 Comments

When people ask me what I do and I tell them I work in a restaurant, the conversation often stops. Why is this? Is it me or is it them? Is it because the way I answer the question indicates to them that I don’t want to talk about it, or do they just not know how to respond? I feel like I’m being judged, but by who? Myself, them, or both? This did not seem to happen when I told people I was a bicycle tour guide or that I worked for Outward Bound.

What do you do? Most of us assume that what the person asking really wants to know is what do we do for money. And isn’t this usually what we mean when we ask others what they do? The question is a culturally programmed response to meeting someone new. It is a quick way for us to categorize each other.

I think the conversation needs to shift. I need to change my answers. And I need to ask better questions.

“What do you do?”
“I like to write, run long distances, travel, cook, spend time outdoors, and learn new things. What do you like to do?”

Wouldn’t this make for the start of a much more interesting conversation?