Mary got to bring a big part of her identity with her to New Zealand. I had to leave a large portion of mine behind. This is having more of an effect on me than I thought it would. Or maybe, I never thought that much about it until we got here.
Without the connections I have back in the States, I knew that coming here meant that I would not be able to do the work that I was doing back home. What I did not realize was how deeply entrenched my sense of self was tied into working for Outward Bound and being a bicycle tour guide. Even though for years now I’ve felt that I wanted to move away from those things, I had no idea how much importance I had placed in them to help me define who I am. These roles I played provided me with a sense of self-worth. It’s easy to feel good about yourself when you can tell people you work for the North Carolina Outward Bound School and that you “help people discover more about themselves, others, and the world around them through challenging experiences in unfamiliar settings”.
I am stripped down and now wonder who I am supposed to be now that my costume is gone. I scan through the want ads, questioning what I see. Can I be a personal assistant? A baker? A deckhand for the ferry? How about a customer service representative, a university admissions counselor, or a real estate agent assistant? Could any of these things be me? I think I would like working with computers making beautiful web pages, but I look at the qualifications for those jobs and know that I would never be called for an interview. And after all the cups I have drunk, I don’t even have enough experience to make coffee in this caffeine-crazed town.
I know that a job is not all that defines a person. I call myself a runner, a writer, a husband, and a friend. These things are all well and good so why can’t I just be satisfied with that? Today, I’ll go to work taking orders and making tacos. There will be moments when I will enjoy it and there will be times when I will be wondering why I’m there. But underlying it all will be the question “is this it?” With nearly fifty years of life experience here I am working a barely more than minimum wage job.
I know I will reach the other side of this. I don’t know what I’ll find there or who I will be when I get there. That’s part of the adventure I guess. I know this is one of those times in life when growth will occur, perhaps even a metamorphosis. I am curious to see how it all turns out and what I will be doing a year from now. But in the meantime, the growing pains are difficult as I walk around this new world and wonder who I’m going to be.
What an interesting journey! I am glad to be taking this trip with you as a reader because I have promised my husband that I will retire next year, and I want to, but I will be going through the same questions that you have now. I know that for a southern male it might even be harder, that pressure we put on ourselves to be something that fits our image of “should be”. Self worth wrapped up in a job title has always been important to me, even though I know I am supposed to be good enough just doing anything with mindfulness. Thank you for writing so honestly. It is helpful to me as I go down my road. Thank you for going first with this. 😀
John you know we talk together about this quite a lot and I love the way you write about it. As you know we share this struggle right now too. My job as a mother is almost over and I feel very much that I no longer know who I am and what I want . I wonder too, how do I to get rewarding work earning more than minimum wage, and use my talents and passions (what ever they are!). I think it is also about midlife and yearning for change, knowing that I have already lived more than half my life. I also think that NCOBS was a powerful place to work and it is very difficult to replace such an amazing experience. It defined who I am and I carry it with me everyday. It colours how I see the world and makes it difficult to find an adequate replacement ,despite knowing that when I left it was time to step back out in the world and seek life beyond. Not easy.
I totally understand this. I know you know this already but you are amazing in so many ways. Give it time – you will find that you are in the place where you are using all of your skills. It takes at least a year to get settled into a new place. But I would say …apply for those web design jobs even though you think you might never get an interview because sometimes magic happens. That synchronicity or happy accident may occur. .
Thanks Susan. I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. It is a time of growth, and that is both exciting and challenging.